I Love To Nom These
Posted under: 
I have no idea if people like these blogs about delicious vegan food, so I’m just going to keep writing them and putting them on the internet for Mr. Marbles to read. When I was a kid, steamed artichokes were one of my favorite foods. Not only did I find them nommy, but they were super fun to eat because you peel away the leaves and get all gay about it. Then when I grew up and realized a lot of people think of artichokes as just the hearts, I was outraged. WHERE IS THE REST OF THE ARTICHOKE!? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU’RE MISSING OUT ON?? I would scream that directly in their face. Anyways, if you have never eaten a steamed artichoke, you just have not lived life yet. It’s super easy, low in calories, and filling. Eat it with some side dishes and you have the most magical dinner ever. When I was a kid, I would eat them with a bunch of melted butter which I have since substituted for vegan friendly things, but it’s equally as tasty.
You do it like this bro:
Things you need:
- A pot with a lid
- Water
- An artichoke
- Some tongs
- A fork
- A mouth
- Olive oil
- A clove or two of garlic
- Dijon mustard
- Hands
Step one motherfucker: Steam your baby angel artichoke. All you have to do is put about an inch or so of water in a pot, bring it to a boil, throw your artichoke in there and cover that bitch up with a lid. I like to occasionally turn mine over with some tongs so that it gets an even color and steam. Depending on the size of your artichoke, it will take between 20-40 minutes to cook. I usually test mine by taking a fork and sticking it in the stem. If it goes in easily then it’s done. That’s what she said. Take your tongs and lift it out of the water, let it drain out, put that bitch on a plate and eat it.
How to make garlic olive oil dipping sauce: Chop up 1 or 2 cloves of garlic (depending on taste, the picture has 1 clove but I usually do 2. It makes it more sexual). Pour some olive oil in the pan, however much you want to eat, throw your garlic in there and just heat it up. You probably want to use medium heat so it doesn’t start splattering all over and burn your face off. You don’t need to cook this for very long at all, I usually just cook it until it looks hot and delicious, the garlic looks a little toasty, and it smells like I want it in my mouth.
How to make Dijon mustard dipping sauce: Put Dijon mustard in a bowl. Done.
How to nom your creation: If you really don’t know how to eat an artichoke, this is the part where I tell you all about it. You take each leaf off and dip it in the oil, mustard or both (NOM!) and put it in your mouth piece. Not the whole thing, the un-pointy side. Then you scrape off the deliciousness with your teeth and throw the rest of the leaf away. I usually just keep an extra bowl on the table for my discarded leaves. You keep doing that all over the artichoke until the leaves get really translucent. This means you are getting close to the artichoke’s secrets. You keep nomming and eventually you get to a part that just looks kind of hairy and you go, what the fuck is this? The hair is also kind of pointy and pokey, definitely don’t eat it because A) it’s hairy? and B) it will poke your mouth and throat, making for an uncomfortable artichoke eating experience. Avoid that. So instead you take a knife and cut out the hairy part. Now you are left with the stem, and a cup shaped part where the mini tree used to have leaves. But you ate them so they are gone. Then you run around for a minute pretending it is an olympic torch, and you dip it in your oil and mustard and can eat the whole thing. I eat the stem too because that’s how much I love artichokes. Some people don’t, but they’re stupid. Then you rub your belly and update your twitter status that you just ate an artichoke.
The end. I can’t believe I wrote a whole blog about artichokes.
My Piercings/Tattoo
Sweet baby Jesus I get asked about these all the time. First of all, everything that is in these pictures is all I have, no secret piercings/tattoos, nothing you have to be special to see, so don’t worry you’re not missing out. Here we go:
Left ear (pictured above):
- 2 lobe piercings, both done with guns. There’s no earring in the 2nd hole but it is right next to it. I think I was six when I got my first hole second hole was in 2001.
- Tragus piercing. I got this done in 2002 with a 14 gauge needle and captive bead ring. The piercing itself was less painful than I had anticipated it to be. Apparently there is a “pop” sound for many people when they have it done, but I did not experience that. Since this was a cartilage piercing, I was ready for the much longer healing process than that of just skin, like a lobe, as I had already gotten a cartilage piercing on the other side. I did a good job cleaning, soaking, and caring for it and after 4 months the soreness had dissipated completely. The soreness I would rank on the same level as an upper cartilage piercing, just in a weirder place . I wouldn’t sleep, use the phone or headphones on that side to avoid getting a keloid or big bump of scar tissue around the hole, and it healed perfectly. I have put different jewelry in it in the past, studs, circular barbells, etc. The earring that has been in it for the past several years is a circular barbell with one side a spike pictured below, the other side a blue ball. Only because I had lost the other spike and blue ball…. I made a mix. I’m also retarded.
Right Ear :
- First and second lobe piercings same as described above.
- Upper cartilage piercing done at the same time as my second holes in 2001 with a gun (bad I know), but wound up healing just fine after around 6 months with good care.
- Conch piercing. I got this done in 2003 with a 12 gauge hollow needle. The piercing itself is pretty painful, it is a very thick piece of cartilage (I like to say a conch is when you “pierce your whole ear” … I guess it sounds funnier when I say it out loud. Imagine it in my voice. Okay now laugh). Since it was done with a hollow needle, the piercer tapped the piece of my ear that was removed onto the table and asked me if I wanted to keep it, I said fuck no get it out of my face. Recently someone with a significant amount of body modifications asked me if I ate it. Apparently people do that?? THE FUCK? I took very good care of this piercing, but because it’s basically the center of your entire ear, it got knocked around a lot. Everything I did seemed to hurt my ear (you never realize how much things touch your ears until you piece the whole fucking thing). It took a full year to heal and not be sore, so getting this pierced is kind of a commitment. I did develop a small keloid around it which is still there and will be forever, but hardly noticeable. If you are considering getting this done just make sure you are ready to take care of it. Cleaning it is only half the battle. This piercing really takes a conscious effort not to bump it with every day objects. Mindlessly brushing your hair in the morning and accidentally catching it 5 months after you get it pierced can irritate it enough to develop a keloid that will never heal, so it’s kind of a big deal. Not to mention when I take the hoop out there’s a gaping hole in the middle of the cartilage that will never close. You know, just some things to consider if you are interested in it. I’m still very much in love with this piercing and my others even though they were done around ten years ago. The earring in this is actually the original one it was pierced with and I have never changed it because I think it’s the tits.
So this is the one and only tattoo I have ever wanted. It’s my Mom and Brother’s initials (they are both the same) on my left inner wrist. I had always had in the back of my mind that I wanted to get this done, but didn’t really have any initiative to go out and actually do it because I’m kind of lazy like that. One day in 2008 I went with a couple of friends on my softball team to a tattoo place in Boston because two of them were getting gigantic tattoos. Like legit pieces of art. Badass. I was just there to hang out and make fun of them while they sat in anguish all day, but I started looking at a book of lettering and seriously contemplating it. One of the artists who wasn’t working was talking to me for a little, asked me if I had any tattoos or if I wanted any and I told him about the one I wanted. I had originally wanted it in white, much smaller, and farther up on my wrist. Anyone who knows anything about tattoos (I didn’t) knows that because there are so many folds in that part of your wrist, a small tattoo there would eventually just turn into a blob after many years (hey, it’s there forever) and white ink a lot of times can heal to look like a very strange scar. Not to mention it is the most difficult color to laser remove should something catastrophic happen during the tattoo process or if I wound up hating it. He showed me some light pink ink that he had on his skin and convinced me it would be a better choice, and that they would bang it out in about 15 minutes at almost no charge since my two friends were getting huge pieces done. I said fuck it, we’ll do it live. The artist that was doing my friends massive side piece took a break for a little bit, asked me what lettering I wanted and I said I didn’t really care so he printed out a few options as well as some hand drawn ones. The one I wound up choosing was his own hand drawn creation with a little heart at the bottom of the “M” because I’m fucking gay like that and went oodles over it. He put it on my skin, I was pleased, and then he pulled out pink and a deep dark purple ink. I was like, “woah bro, me and homeboy over there just talked about light pink.” He tried to convince me that the two colors mixed together would result in a longer lasting tattoo as the pink would fade fast and need to be redone all the time. I was like, “how about you just let me cross that bridge if I ever even get there, pink bro, not muddled up purple.” He of course looked at me like I was an idiot and did it anyways, I wish the other guy did my tattoo because he wasn’t a fucking jerk. On the pain scale, I would rate it pretty low. It was uncomfortable, it felt like someone slowly scraping you for a while, but the good thing about tattoo’s is that that’s the extent of the pain. Once it’s done, you don’t have the year long agony of it healing like a piercing. I told my mom I got it that day and was like, “look bitch you better love me because I just tattooed your initials on me. Hoe. You too brother man.” Just kidding they loved it.
As you can see in the picture, the lettering is kind of uneven, thicker on the “D” and the “A” than on the “M.” I saw it while he was doing it, but I didn’t really know what to say, I figured he was a professional and would make it look right. He didn’t. It’s easily fixable should I ever want to have it retouched, but it honestly doesn’t bother me much because it’s so light. I enhanced the colors on the picture a little bit so you could see it more, but for the most part I still have friends that are like, wtf you have a tattoo? It’s hardly noticeable at all. For example have you ever seen it in one of my videos? Nope. Chuck Testa.
Immediately after I had it done I started to have some weird feelings about it. Light pink ink is really pretty and delicate, especially on light colored skin, and for the first month or so after I had it done it looked like I had cut my wrist open. Like some real crazy psycho shit just sitting somewhere carving letters into myself crying about Justin Bieber or something. The fact that it says “DAM” doesn’t really help either. At the time I had it done, I was working for the Boys and Girls Club and all the kids were like, “Miss are you okay? Why you cuttin yourself girl, you sad?” Here I was thinking I was getting this hardly noticeable tattoo in a spot people wouldn’t see every 5 seconds and the amount that I was being pulled aside and asked about my “cuts” was really disturbing. I desperately wanted it to fade but alas, only time (and sunshine?) can do that so I told that impatient needy brat inside of me to shut up and take a seat in the corner before I bitch slapped her ass. It wound up being just what I wanted. I have no plans for any other tattoos although I do love them on other people. Especially when it looks like legit art, none of that bro shit, the stuff that you look at and your mind explodes on the inside and you’re like, “that’s so cool man” on the outside. Unless someone can successfully tattoo Eva Mendes’ on my face so that it looks like her face, I’m content with my one. We’re homies for life now.
These Almonds Are Magical
A couple of months ago I decided to try these Marcona Almonds that had never existed in my universe world before, just to really live my life on the edge. They’re still technically almonds according to scientist people that love plants so much they argue about things like that, but I’ll tell you that as a regular human that they don’t exactly taste like almonds. They’re lighter, sweeter and smoother somehow… with sort of a nuttier taste (if that’s possible?). I don’t really know how to describe them, just awesomely delicious.
As many of you know, I keep a vegan diet at least 6 days a week. You can watch the video I made a while back about it here, I really need to make an updated one with some more information, people seem to have a lot of questions about it. Back to the point though, nuts and vegans are like BFF’s. They provide fats and proteins among other health benefits you should probably Google if this is news to you, and do a great job of being sexual little snacks whenever you need a pick me up or as nom nommy additions to recipes. My favorite use for nuts is in my salads which I usually eat at lunch time. A handful of these or any other nuts (walnuts, pine nuts, cashews, etc.) make my salads magical. Raw nuts and fruit, dried or fresh, also make a hearty high fiber snack which will help you feel fuller longer. When I buy them I try to stick to ones that are raw, not roasted or salted, although I do buy salted nuts occasionally as my diet is very low in sodium as it is (it’s not only healthy, but helps keep off water weight and bloat). When I crave things it’s usually salt and chocolate, just the fattiest fat kid combination ever. If I’m having one of those days when nothing is going right and all I want to do is cry and eat macaroni and cheese all day, I’ll snack on a handful or two of salted nuts and drink a full glass of water or hot tea. Hot temperature helps with feeling satisfied, at least for me. Then if it’s really that bad after 20 minutes or so and I still want to cry and eat my feelings, I’ll go hard as a motherfucker on some comfort food. Sometimes you just need to you know? Side note however, there is such a thing as vegan mac and cheese (and just about everything else) which makes me unbelievably happy with way less inner sadness afterwards. But for the most part, a little salt can go a long way when you’re really craving something bad. Only thing to be careful about with nuts is that the calories do add up fast. If you ever have a handful of nuts and want to keep snacking, get some celery, carrot sticks or fruit, drink a glass of water, and see how you feel after you eat it.
So apparently this blog has turned into drivel about nuts and less about Marcona Almonds. All I wanted to tell you was that I had never tried them before, then I did, and they were good. I want you to have good things too. If you like nuts you should give them a whirl. Also unicorns.
