I Love To Nom These

Posted on February 20th by Jenna
 

 

I have no idea if people like these blogs about delicious vegan food, so I'm just going to keep writing them and putting them on the internet for Mr. Marbles to read.  When I was a kid, steamed artichokes were one of my favorite foods.  Not only did I find them nommy, but they were super fun to eat because you peel away the leaves and get all gay about it.  Then when I grew up and realized a lot of people think of artichokes as just the hearts, I was outraged.  WHERE IS THE REST OF THE ARTICHOKE!?  DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'RE MISSING OUT ON??  I would scream that directly in their face.  Anyways, if you have never eaten a steamed artichoke, you just have not lived life yet.  It's super easy, low in calories, and filling.  Eat it with some side dishes and you have the  most magical dinner ever.  When I was a kid, I would eat them with a bunch of melted butter which I have since substituted for vegan friendly things, but it's equally as tasty.

You do it like this bro:

Things you need:

  • A pot with a lid
  • Water
  • An artichoke
  • Some tongs
  • A fork
  • A mouth
For dipping sauces:
  • Olive oil
  • A clove or two of garlic
  • Dijon mustard
  • Hands

Step one motherfucker: Steam your baby angel artichoke.  All you have to do is put about an inch or so of water in a pot, bring it to a boil, throw your artichoke in there and cover that bitch up with a lid.  I like to occasionally turn mine over with some tongs so that it gets an even color and steam.  Depending on the size of your artichoke, it will take between 20-40 minutes to cook.  I usually test mine by taking a fork and sticking it in the stem.  If it goes in easily then it's done.  That's what she said.  Take your tongs and lift it out of the water, let it drain out, put that bitch on a plate and eat it.

How to make garlic olive oil dipping sauce: Chop up 1 or 2 cloves of garlic (depending on taste, the picture has 1 clove but I usually do 2.  It makes it more sexual).  Pour some olive oil in the pan, however much you want to eat, throw your garlic in there and just heat it up.  You probably want to use medium heat so it doesn't start splattering all over and burn your face off.  You don't need to cook this for very long at all, I usually just cook it until it looks hot and delicious, the garlic looks a little toasty, and it smells like I want it in my mouth.

How to make Dijon mustard dipping sauce: Put Dijon mustard in a bowl.  Done.

How to nom your creation: If you really don't know how to eat an artichoke, this is the part where I tell you all about it.  You take each leaf off and dip it in the oil, mustard or both (NOM!) and put it in your mouth piece.  Not the whole thing, the un-pointy side.  Then you scrape off the deliciousness with your teeth and throw the rest of the leaf away.  I usually just keep an extra bowl on the table for my discarded leaves.  You keep doing that all over the artichoke until the leaves get really translucent.  This means you are getting close to the artichoke's secrets.  You keep nomming and eventually you get to a part that just looks kind of hairy and you go, what the fuck is this?  The hair is also kind of pointy and pokey, definitely don't eat it because A) it's hairy? and B) it will poke your mouth and throat, making for an uncomfortable artichoke eating experience.  Avoid that.  So instead you take a knife and cut out the hairy part.  Now you are left with the stem, and a cup shaped part where the mini tree used to have leaves.  But you ate them so they are gone.  Then you run around for a minute pretending it is an olympic torch, and you dip it in your oil and mustard and can eat the whole thing.  I eat the stem too because that's how much I love artichokes.  Some people don't, but they're stupid.  Then you rub your belly and update your twitter status that you just ate an artichoke.

 

The end.  I can't believe I wrote a whole blog about artichokes.

 
 

if you thought that was magical check out these!

 

Respond