I've been meaning to write this blog for quite some time because Coconut Oil has been making my world go round for about six months now. Imagine if Jesus and Lady Gaga made a MAC Viva Glam product out of pure unicorn blood and then Ghandi blessed it after it was filtered through a rainbow of infant tears on top of Mount Everest and it dropped down from the sky to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean where a narwhal incubated it to it's maturity and sold it Johnny Appleseed where he planted it on the holy grounds of Jerusalem and it sprouted into a glitter explosion of pure amazingness. That's what coconut oil is.
First I suggest you come up with any health or beauty ailment you could possibly imagine. Got one in mind? Well coconut oil fucking cures that shit. I'm not joking click on this link and read about it: HERE
Or you can just google it on the internet machine and count how many times your mind is blown.
Basically it's the Holy Grail of magical natural products. At least for me, but it seems like it is for many other people as well, and guess how much this precious gem will break your bank account? $9 or so at Ho-Foods (Whole Foods) or other places that sell organic products. The brand I buy is pictured above, they sell it with a white label as well, which I'm not sure is any different, along with tons of other organic brands.
Buying Coconut Oil
Basically all you want to look for is a coconut oil in an unrefined state (should say it right on the jar) and virgin (because virgins are the coolest). That's it. For me personally, I like the ones that look like they come straight from someones straw hut on a remote beach where I imagine them hovering over a coconut to get its beautiful oil and carefully packaging it in jars while their ox, Barry, fondly looks on in approval and says things like, "you da man Gupta."
Only thing that I ask of you is not to be fooled by anything priced above $10ish unless it is for a larger amount of magical coconut oil. I've seen ones priced up to $30 of that packaged GNC shit that are not unrefined, virgin, or organic. The fuck is that shit. Coconut oil is cheap as fuck and don't you let the man tell you otherwise.
Coconut oil naturally comes in sort of a waxy solid at room temperature, so if you're at the grocery store looking at all the oils and you're like, where the fuck is this shit, it's in a jar dude. It looks like one of those candles cleverly placed in an old jam container to make it seem like somebody's grandma made in their meth lab basement (which is cool and different). When it is heated above room temperature it is an oil. In fact last summer in my old apartment, my jar was in a perma-oil state because I didn't have fucking air-conditioning. Super duper.
When you get home and excitedly open your jar of awesome coconut oil, it should smell like a coconut. Seems like logic right? Well it's not. I kindly asked Max to pick me up a jar while he was at the grocery store thinking he had seen in it the house a billion or so times and know to get that organic shit. Well he brought me home some strange all wrong kind that smelled like hooker's vagina filled with a curried yeast infection. Not the goal here, so buy an organic virgin unrefined one and just avoid that experience all together.
Nomming Your Coconut Oil
Here's the part where I say, hey angel face, did you click on that link or google it yet and read all about how coconut oil should be changing your life? If your answer is no, fucking do it or else we are not friends. If the answer is yes, I shall tell you my personal favorite uses for coconut oil and you can compare them to how you want to use it in your mind. Or if you already use coconut oil, stuff is the shit right homie?
Now first of all I will tell you that you will reap the benefits of Coconut Oil the most if you actually ingest it into your body piece. Second of all I will tell you it does not taste that good. I have never been able to just eat a table spoon of it, nor have I ever tried, because I'm sure it would just end up in puke form on the floor. It is an excellent cooking oil (and much better for you than other oils once they are heated, read about it) so definitely play around with that at dinner nom nom time when you're making that hot shit. But for breakfast and during the day, the main way I force this magical substance into my body is through my morning smoothie. I made a vlog about my diet a while back which is pretty bad and boring but you can watch that here if curiosity is burning inside you. Otherwise I'll just tell you how I make it right..... meow.
3 ice cubes
A big heaping table spoon of coconut oil (I usually put it in in its solidish state, not it's melted state. It's touching ice and cold shit so it's just going to get hard again, don't bother trying to melt it or anything).
1 scoop of vegan protein powder (my favorite is this one)
Any kind of frozen fruit, berries, etc. (I found these cool Acaí smoothie packets that I've been using lately instead that you can find at Whole Foods they look like this and just my side note about Acaí, I haven't totally bought into the hype about it because I haven't noticed a difference in much, but it does make a damn delicious smoothie)
And then some fruit juice to give it a smoothie consistency. I play around with pomegranate juice, orange mango, pineapple, whatever. Depends what fruit you put in and how you want it to taste, the possibilities are fucking endless.
I blend it all together and drink that shit for breakfast. If you have a decent blender, you shouldn't get chunks of the oil but if you ever do, man that shit is gross. But the positive is that it adds this tropical coconut taste to your smoothie that tastes like a mouth explosion. 10 points.
The second way I try to force it down my throat during the day is by making a cup of hot tea, and just putting a little bit in my cup so that it melts in. Caution though, it's fucking nasty. The oil and water obviously separate, and the oil tends to just sit on top of the tea so that first sip is like a big gulp of nasty. I like to just tell myself lies like, "oh boy can't wait to drink this!" while I'm doing it and just get it out of the way. It's certainly not a pleasurable thing, but I do it, and now I will tell you why.
What Happens When You Nom Coconut Oil
*** Caution ***
Many blogs and informative sites about coconut oil will tell you that you should ingest 3-4 table spoons of coconut oil daily to reap its health benefits. What they might not tell you though is that you should FUCKING EASE INTO THAT SHIT. The first day I got my coconut oil I downed a smoothie and 2 cups of tea with it in it. By 4pm I was sick to my stomach, tired and loopy, passed out on the couch for a few hours and woke up and didn't know what the fuck was happening. I have no idea why this happened or if it has happened to anyone else, but just to be on the safe side, take maybe one tablespoon for the first few days or week even and let your body adjust to the awesome. You don't want to force feed it too much magic at all once.
With that out of the way I want to talk about how this stuff will awesome you from the inside-out. First thing you might notice is a super awesome form of natural energy. Not like a caffeine awesome, not like a I just ate a bunch of carbs energy awesome, just a really nice natural feeling energy boost. That alone was enough for me to be hooked.
Second thing you might notice after ingesting it into your body piece is hey, I'm not really that hungry anymore. Boom motherfucker I just hit you with the real shit. If you had clicked on that link I demanded you look at before, you would know that coconut oil is a powerful weight loss/ weight management tool. Now don't get me wrong, you still need to do all the things necessary to lose weight that you would regularly do like diet and exercise, but it is nice drinking a smoothie or a cup of tea and not being as hungry as you would typically be, especially if you are transitioning into a healthier diet. We all know at first you're like, WHAT THE FUCK GIVE ME MAC AND CHEESE NOM NOM NOM. Coconut oil can help suppress your appetite a little so you don't feel all crazy like you're going to kill someone while you're making your life change and help keep that weight off.
Third thing you might notice over time is all the yummy things that we love oils for anyways. What I noticed about my body personally were clearer and more even skin tone, my nails and hair felt like they grew a little faster and healthier (I can't say that they did but it fucking felt like it okay don't ask questions), and I just felt healthier. Like a coconut had blessed my insides.
Beauty Uses for Coconut Oil
Here comes some fun shit. When I buy coconut oil, I usually buy 2 jars. One for the kitchen to put inside my mouth etc., and one for my bathroom because I stick my fingers in it and stuff ...and I don't really want to also eat that one. The one I keep in my bathroom is for the following:
Coconut oil is literally one of the best makeup removing products I have ever used. I take a little with my hands and rub it onto the makeup I want to be removed and wipe it off. Gone motherfucker. It is very gentle and does leave a feeling of oil, so if you're OCD about that it may not be for you, but seriously give it a try. The benefits I noticed over time have been an enormous amount of conditioning in my lashes and brows and a decrease in the fine lines and wrinkles around my eyes to the point where I started purposely putting a little extra on my eyes at night. My brows were a little sparse in the front so I began rubbing coconut oil into them and they grew in a little better which made me all tingly inside. Just awesome all around.
After I was doing that for a while I thought, you know what? I'm just going to put this all over my face. I got very nervous at first because my skin is still in that "I want to be a fucking teenager and break out all the time but still look kind of old in some places fuck the world" phase like a lot of girls in their 20's, so I wasn't sure how my skin was going to react, but boy am I glad I did. The result was clearer, softer, more conditioned looking skin. Seriously, I woke up in the morning and looked like I was fucking glowing. I'm a big fan of buying over priced facial moisturizers and praying that they make me look like Eva Mendes and so far nothing has made me an olive skinned Latina woman, but coconut oil got me about as close as I think I'll ever come. If you try it and like it, you might need to play around with how much/when you use it. I've tried using it as a nighttime moisturizer, just a makeup remover, as a daytime moisturizer (careful with makeup though, it does remove that shit after all so it might not make your makeup stay as long if you put it on over it), and I haven't quite decided what I like it best for. I think it's slightly too much for my skin personally to use it all the time so once a day is plenty or even every other day. Play around with it and see what works best for you.
After that I was like hey I wonder what would happen if I just covered my hair with it and let it sit in there like an oil treatment. I did and washed that shit out, pure magic happened. Just soft, conditioned, awesome shiny hair. If you're not familiar with using oil for your hair you should google that and have someone else much more knowledgeable about hair explain that to you. I'm borderline hair retarded, but I was able to do that successfully and it blew my mind.
Then I looked at my hands and nails and was like, what happened if I rubbed this into you guys? Instant hand model status.
Then one day I was like, you know what I should do? I should just cover my whole fucking body with it so I did. Incredible. I would say the skin on my body is the same as on my face (go figure) really dry in some areas and then on my chest and back sometimes I have to be careful because I'll get breakouts from certain products. Well all that happened was my skin transformed into baby skin. If you don't like covering your entire body in oil what you can do is take a little (or a lot) and mix it with your body lotion. Bingo bango your body will be WHAT THE FUCK THIS IS AMAZING.
Oh ouchie I got a booboo or a bruise or something. Rub coconut oil on it and it forms an anti fungal barrier around it and makes that bruise fade faster than if you had Wolverine's super healing powers. I'm fucking serious I told you to google it.
In summary, coconut oil has changed the way I spend my money dollars on health, weight loss, and beauty products because it is literally all I have ever wanted. Not to mention, riddle me another product that costs $9 and does all of those things? Coconut oil is magical and you are just going to have to invest the $9 to find out for yourself. If you hate it, at least you can be satisfied in knowing that you've probably paid more to see a terrible Jennifer Aniston movie than a potential life changing product. What I have written about are just some of my favorite uses for coconut oil, but there are so many more. Did I already tell you to google it? I hope you make a journey to a store near you and begin your partnership with the most majestic product on the planet sometime soon. But just remember, it will never love you as much as it loves me because we are fucking married. It will never cheat on me. Oh hey look at that bird over there. Where I am?
This is the most I have written since college.