Embarrassing Stories

Posted on September 19th by Jenna
 

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Once upon a time in a magical land of giraffes there was this one giraffe whose name was Sitar and Sitar was the tallest and most majestic of all the giraffes there ever was and all he did was eat coconuts and ice cream and even coconut ice cream if he felt like it but he would also go to his giraffe garden and grow all of his own organic little vegetables like kale and tomatoes and delicious green peppers even some strawberries and a cherry tree and a lemon tree and an apple tree and he got VERY VERY MAD WHEN THE DEER WOULD HOP THE FENCE AND EAT HIS FUCKING VEGETABLES LIKE ABSOLUTE MOTHERFUCKERS and the only reason he even knew to put a fence there was because he had been visited by ancient aliens or flesh and blood etttatttaterrrestrials that gave him specific instructions of how to set up his beautiful and bountiful garden of delicious foods and they were all like, meep meep we are aliens and we know stuff about the universe that you do not Sitar, listen to us and you will have the most spectacular little home vegetable garden you could ever imagine, and Sitar was all like omg I should probably listen to these guys because A) they just came out of the sky from a fucking space ship and I really don't want to fuck with that noise, B) I'm a giraffe and all I know how to do is be really tall and fight other giraffes with my neck, I know nothing about planting a garden and I've always wanted to C) I'm a fucking giraffe, so Sitar opened his big ass giraffe ears as big as they would go and listened to all the things the aliens told him to do, plant these things in the soil, water them, leave them alone, put a fence around it so the motherfucking deer don't eat it, boom, land food, and Sitar was all like OOOHHH MY GOODDD YOU MUST BE THE JESUS GOD THING THATS YOU HUH YOU LOOK GREAT DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT? And the aliens sighed and were like, he's totally not paying attention right now and is going to fuck it up somehow, I promise you this idiot is going to fuck it up, the fence is going to be too low, he's going to plant them too close together, over water them, something I mean this guy is just dumb, and the aliens laughed together and took off in their spaceship leaving Sitar to tend his garden and what do you know he made the fence wayyyyy too short and the deer got in and ate all of his delicious land lunches and dinners and Gordon Ramsay ingredients and Sitar got mad mad mad and stomped all four of his giraffe hooves on the ground and made a big fuss and look up at the sky and shook his front hoof at the sky and stuck his black tongue out and said, "fuck you aliens I thought this was going to be like the Jesus food thing you guys taught me and it's not you taught me how to get fucked!" and the aliens were all like, "haha Sitar you idiot we were just trying to feed the deer."

Sitar the guitar the mandolin the giraffe. Aliens are magic.

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