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I was shopping the other day to get Max birthday presents, when suddenly felt myself saying... mmmmm... titties. I was standing outside of a Victoria's Secret. Compelled by the sight of skinny girls with enormous photoshopped breasts, I had to go inside. Now let me first tell you that I am horrible at buying clothes and being a girl in case you didn't know that already. I wear a Ninja Turtle backpack as a purse, I've been called out on numerous occasions in my videos for "same shirt wearing," I own two pairs of jeans, I mean come on. I'm just a disgrace to my gender. Once in a rainbow colored moon I realize that all of my underwear is old and tattered, the complete opposite of sexual, and decide to go H.A.M. on 5 for $25 panties at VS. Bras are even worse because I'll buy them one at a time and keep them until break or fall apart. I think I have about 8. Wtf who does that?
Sports bras are even weirder for me because as of lately, I've been wearing them all the time. Why? Mostly because I find them to be more comfortable on my tender breasticles than underwire bras and also because I'm just flat out fucking lazy. I like wearing the square shelf type under low cut shirts so my beautiful milk jugs don't hang out for the world to see too, just pure functionality all over the place. Only problem is that they flatten my chest so much I look like a ten year old boy. So being the incredible problem solver that I am, I started wearing a real bra under my sports bra. Wtf who does that?
When I'm working out at the gym in a sports bra I look like a ten year old boy. That's the greatest feeling in the world right? Not only am I working out because I feel like a giant fatty as it is, now I look all out of proportion. I spent 25 years growing these jugs, I want to show them off, not smash them down so my nipples are in a strange new arrangement. It pains me to see girls with giant bazingas running on the treadmill, bouncing all over the place, even left to right almost in a figure eight. Girl, who the fuck are you trying to impress, I know that hurts your chest and anyone that says otherwise is a liar. When I was an NCAA athlete in college, my sports bras worked overtime holding my sweater puppies up. I would often wear 2 or 3 layered over each other just to get the support I needed. Now that my life isn't quite as physically demanding, one will do as long as it's not made out of shit. The only reason I delve into the topic of actual sports bra quality here is because I would consider myself a connoisseur of quality apparel for love melons. Once you've tried a sports bra under $15, you've tried them all. Once you've tried a "high tech" $50 sports bra, you've tried them all. I get it, better ones are better, but not by a whole lot. Call me picky, but I know a good titty contraption when I find one.
Back to being in Victoria's Secret, this was the absolute last place I would look to find a sports bra. Everything is covered in goofy letters and sayings, heavy on the "cute," low on the functionality, not really my jump off. But this bra caught my eye. Hanging on the rack, you can tell it has actual padded cups in it. At first I laughed, what trick-ho is wearing that shit? Pshhh, padded sports bra. Then I saw one in blue leopard and went "OOOO!!!" and bought it without even trying it on. I'm such a hypocrite. When I got home, I immediately stripped off my shirt so I could put on my impulse buy, and looked at myself in the mirror.
Holy. Fucking. Shit.
Talk about the Holy Grail of sports bras. Not only did my boobs look fantastic, they felt exceptionally supported. I think I did myself a service by buying a Small instead of a Medium which would probably be more accurate for my size, but the small held my shit nice and tight and sexual. I jumped around a bit, did a cartwheel, climbed Mt. Everest, this thing was fucking incredible. I put on a shirt I would usually exercise in and voila, beautiful looking tatas. Just what I had always wanted, boobs that look like the actual size they were, but with support so I wasn't giving myself black eyes in the gym. Then I put on a regular shirt and my tits looked just as good as they would in an ordinary bra, I was exponentially more comfortable, and the blue leopard peeked out a bit which made me giddy beyond reason. The perfect lazy non-girl girl bra.
Now I know this isn't the first padded sports bra ever invented, but this is the first one I have ever liked. Cute, supportive, awesome. I'm wearing it right now. And tomorrow. And the next day. Until I buy another one. Just thought I'd share with you how pleased I am. The end.
P.S. My tits look way better in this bra than that bitch up there.